I ran a marathon last week, and it broke my heart.
"It was hard, but at least I finished," I tell the people I don't know as well. With others, the words "excruciating" and "demoralizing" and "disappointing" might make their way into my answers. But I'm still smiling as I list the reasons why my race was all those things.
I'm not very good at letting people see my grief. I know this because sometimes they've laughed when I've told them about my race, and I'm sure they thought they were laughing with me.
One week ago, I was shivering in shorts and a T-shirt and marveling at the colors in the morning sky. It had been a long week and I knew it would be a hot day, but I had no misgivings, no latent fears that my body might fail me.
It was Easter Sunday when I first put my hair up and ran a few blocks down the street and back. Before the month was out, I had all but decided that this would be my year to run a marathon. I printed out a training schedule: 168 boxes with 168 assignments.
I was an outstanding pupil, waking up while everyone else slept, strapping water to my waist, filling my weekends with running and recovery. Little by little, running became my life in a way nothing else was.
I can write, but I haven't written much this year. I have people I love, but there is almost always some sort of distance. I love to talk, but fear has kept me silent. I have dreams and desires, but I slip into nothing and everything.
Running has been my constant. I can run, and I did run. I hated always getting up early and running the same routes until I was sick of them and taking the bus to yet another street corner. But I did it. This was my success story, my purpose, maybe even my identity.
Every so often when I wondered if I would really be ready come October 18, the stars would align on the trail and I would be smiling through the sweat and my confidence would rise.
And then October 18 came.
The first half of the race went as expected. The second half did not.
I must have started too fast. I must not have eaten enough that morning. The sun did not relent. And then pain slowly took over my pelvis.
I virtually stopped running by mile 18, but by then even just walking was hard. I almost cried at one point because I was so miserable. I don't know exactly when I realized that I would not be bouncing back, that it would not be getting better, that there would be no glory in this day, but I know that by a certain point I wasn't just physically shattered; I was heartbroken and ashamed.
I texted my roommates, who were waiting at the finish line with homemade signs, that I would be much later than expected. How low I have sunk that I'm texting during my marathon.
I passed people holding signs and cheering. They must think I didn't prepare for this at all.
I thought of the pin I had proudly purchased at the Expo two days before. I can't imagine wearing that now.
I turned the last corner and saw the finish line just ahead. I started running so that I could finish with at least a modicum of dignity. It's barely even accurate to say that I ran a marathon.
It felt like a cruel trick. I had done everything I was supposed to do since May. It wasn't supposed to end like this. I felt no sense of accomplishment when I crossed the finish line, when I posed for a picture with my roommates, when I answered excited questions later. Rather, I cringed and cried heartbroken tears and wished I hadn't told so many people about the race.
And then I decided I had to redeem myself by running the Colfax Marathon in May. Never mind all my reasons to take a break from distance running; I had to fix this mess as soon as possible.
This is where I am right now: grieving, grateful that the questions are subsiding, and realizing that my identity is clipped onto my ability to run longer distances than most people I know. I've had moments of joy on this journey, but it's all been too dependent on what happens on a single day in October. If I end up running the Colfax Marathon next year, I want it to be for the right reasons.
But for now, I am letting myself be still and grieve.
My first race: a 10K in 2009
My latest race: a marathon in 2015