I love people. I’m afraid of people. I crave their love. I fear their rejection.
As good as my summer was, it reminded me just how dependent I am on other people to define my worth. I desperately want them to like me, but there are many things about myself that are unlikeable and downright ugly. So I’ve gotten used to only letting people in so far … to dealing (or not dealing) with things on my own.
When things are going well, and life is busy in a good way, and I’m having a lot of fun with people, I’m okay with this arrangement. Why rock the boat? It’s easier this way.
But when life slows down, and routine sets in, and I have time to think about where I am and where I want to be in my relationships — both with God and with other people — I’m far from satisfied. This semi-façade isn’t sustainable, but the longer I live with it, the more intractable it seems.
But when I do find people I’m really comfortable with, people who are a lot of fun and who make me feel accepted and loved, they become my everything. Like this year. This year’s goodbyes have been some of the hardest I’ve ever had to say. Even though those walls I put up are still there, it’s easy for me to trick myself into thinking that those walls are thinner than they actually are.
And now, a little poem:
This is who she is: The quietest of them all.
This is what she thinks: “I am the first forgotten, but the last to forget.”
This is how she lives: Wondering at the end of the day if he likes her. Wondering if she’s important to them. Wondering why her tread doesn’t make a sound. Will it ever make a sound?
This is what she knows: What they think is everything to her. It shouldn’t be everything to her.
Greetings! I have a few short stories to share with you today, about my life here at Mount Hermon. There are many other stories I could tell, about day trips to Santa Cruz and San Francisco, about bonfires and beaches, about the memorability and hilarity of daily life … but those would turn this blog post into a novel. So I have selected four of my favorite — and four of my most epic — stories for this blog, accompanied by never-before-seen pictures. Enjoy!
Playing a Real Ukulele
A few weeks ago, I started playing the ukulele. I have a toy ukulele at home (compliments of the Adventures in Odyssey Club), but Daniel and Mark made real ukulele-playing look awfully appealing. So I started borrowing their instruments, absorbing new chords and strumming techniques whenever I could.
I’ve even taken the ukulele to work a couple times, to practice after the phones go off. On one such evening, I was sitting at a desk in the back strumming away, when I looked up and saw Steve Green watching me from the front desk (he was here to do a concert)!
But even without those 15 seconds of perceived fame, I’ve enjoyed being more musically focused this summer. I’m finally getting the hang of a stringed instrument – and not just any stringed instrument, but the one my namesake (Eugene Meltsner) plays – and yet have remained true to my first love (piano).
Saving the Night
One night, a couple Saturdays ago, I was getting ready to watch a movie with some friends in one of the meeting rooms when I heard someone call my name from the back of the room.
“Liz? Liz are you here?”
I stood up. “Yeah, what’s up?”
“There are these people in the Fountain who are saying that they don’t have a room,” explained Maggie, the Fountain manager. It was almost midnight. “There are other people in the room they’re supposed to be in. Could you do something?”
Just like that, I sprang into superhero mode. Maggie radioed the custodian on duty, who unlocked the administration building for me. I found an empty room in the system, sprinted to it to make sure it was clean, then ran back to the Fountain. It’s a strange feeling, knowing you’re the only person awake who could’ve done anything about it. I felt like such a hero.
It was a happy ending all around: Our stranded guests were grateful, and I got a free scoop of ice cream. And speaking of ice cream …
Last week, I said that I was going to try to eat an entire Mudslide by myself.
That Wednesday, I put on my half-marathon shirt (oh the contrast) and trotted down to the Fountain for my Mudslide. A few people came to watch/cheer me on, and before I was half finished, the place was packed with conferees. And I was in a prime place to be oohed and ahhed at.
Well, I did finish the Mudslide (or nearly so), and in 28 minutes, but it was harder than I thought it would be. I had overestimated my abilities, and had to lie down for over an hour afterward. I was sure I wouldn’t eat ice cream again for a long time. And I didn’t … if four days is a long time.
I’m glad I did the Mudslide Challenge, but I wouldn’t want to go back and do it again. Ice cream really does taste better in smaller doses.
The Production That Was Harry Potter
I’m not just talking about the movie.
In Registration, we send out confirmation letters to our future guests with information about their upcoming conference and what their balance is. I purchased tickets for the midnight showing of the last Harry Potter movie for about a dozen people, and, on one slow day, I decided to use the confirmation letter template in a way it had never been used before.
I also decided to dress up for the movie. There aren’t very many women with short hair in the series, so I decided to be Tonks, which involved putting together a costume from various thrift store items and dyeing my hair pink for the night. I couldn’t find the right kind of hair dye at the local CVS, though, so I had to order it online.
That Thursday, my work day started at 3 p.m. and didn’t end until 10:30, so I decided that the safest plan of action would be to dye my hair before going to work. And so I ended up manning the front desk for hours with my new pink hairdo. None of the campers said a word about my hair, and most didn’t even have any visible reaction to it. The staff who went in and out throughout the day, however, did react.
When I was on the phones in the back, I didn’t wear the headset we usually use because it would get pinkness all over it when I did. The spray-on hair dye washed out easily enough, but I had to be mindful of my head all day/night.
If you think dressing up and making confirmation letters for Harry Potter is geeky, just wait – it gets better: A few of us also whittled wands out of Mount Hermon sticks, and made Butterbeer with a recipe we found online.
Yes, I choose to embrace my inner geek one event at a time.
Mount Hermon: Let’s start with the basics. Mount Hermon is a Christian camp that was started more than 100 years ago. It has a fascinating history, and was the first camp of its kind west of the Mississippi River. I didn’t know any of this, though, when I applied to work here a few months ago. All I knew was that Kidder Creek, a camp up north that I attended when I was 8, was affiliated with Mount Hermon.
Summer Staff: That’s me, and about 90 other people in the 18-25ish age range. We work with kids of all ages, man the bookstore, serve ice cream in the snack shop, help those participating in recreational activities, and more.
Registration (Reg): This is where I work. We have crazy-busy times, and we have super-slow times. If you add together the summer staffers, the part-timers, and the full-timers, there are 14 of us in this all-female department. What do I do? Well, generally speaking, I’m usually either on the phones in the back, or at the front desk. I make reservations for our events (typically family camps and our dinner-and-a-concert mini vacations), put together packets, and sell meal tickets and answer questions at the front desk. But there are a lot of other things I do. In fact, I have a 10-page single-spaced list of “things to know”!
Pondy: There are three Mount Hermon camps in the Santa Cruz area: Conference Center (the family camp one that I’m working at), Redwood (K-6th grade), and Ponderosa (junior high and high school). Ponderosa is affectionately referred to as Pondy.
Canopy Tour: Our Redwood Canopy Tour is what Mount Hermon is best known for in a lot of circles — and what we’ve gotten a lot of publicity for. It’s a “two-hour guided tour [that] includes six zip-lines and two sky bridges at heights of up to 150 feet.” I hear it’s pretty rockin’, and am planning on doing it sometime this summer.
Carnival: Our weeklong family camp starts on Sunday with a carnival down at the Fieldhouse. This carnival includes a bounce house, a dunk tank, and other games (followed by a barbecue and an opening program) for our 300-700 guests (depending on the week).
Train Day: For most days of family camp, there are speaking sessions in the morning and evening, with free time in the afternoon. On Wednesday, however, (almost) everyone takes the train down to the Santa Cruz Boardwalk and enjoys the rides. I plan to do this in August, when my family comes(!).
Pancake Ridge: On Tuesday and Thursday mornings, campers (and staffers) have the opportunity to hike up to “Pancake Ridge” and eat the most delicious pancakes I’ve ever tasted. They make them on this outdoor griddle, and then you can add your own toppings. I’m partial to two pancakes with chocolate chips in between them, and whipped cream on top.
Monday Funday: On Mondays in Reg, we spend an hour and a half or so getting out and doing something fun. Almost all of our Monday Fundays so far have involved ice cream. This week, we mixed it up and went to the beach.
Abbott’s: A couple weeks ago, we went to Abbott’s — a local thrift store — for Monday Funday. Since then, I’ve gone a few times, and the best deals I’ve found have been for books. Case in point: all three of the Hunger Games books (hardbacks in like-new condition) for just over $3.
Taco V: Short for Tacqueria Vallarta, Taco V is the beloved local Mexican restaurant. At least, it’s beloved among the summer staffers I know: I’ve eaten there several times, but haven’t eaten out anywhere else in Felton. It’s within walking distance, and is a good alternative to dining hall food sometimes (though food in the Dining Hall is actually pretty good).
Dorm Hill: One of my fellow summer staffers put it this way: Imagine laying a board across a set of stairs and trying to walk up the board. That’s Dorm Hill. We live in three dorms at the top of a hill, and it’s one steep hill! I sure wouldn’t want to park up there.
Play groups: At the beginning of the summer, we were put into play groups. Now, every Wednesday evening, we meet in groups of five and do something fun: play a game, bake cookies, or something like that. Thankfully, “Can You Keep It Down?” is no longer on the activity list.
Tuit: A round piece of wood with “TUIT” written on the front, you can exchange one for a cup of coffee or a single scoop of ice cream. Or you can treasure it forever as a souvenir (I chose a middle ground: spending it, but only after I had documented its existence with my camera).
Marianne’s: If you type “Marianne’s” into Google, one of the first hits you’ll get is for an ice cream place in Santa Cruz. They have quite the variety of ice cream flavors, two of the best of which – in my opinion – are 10-20 (caramel ice cream with fudge and oreos) and Heaven (peanut butter chocolate goodness).
The Fountain: Mount Hermon’s snack/ice cream shop. I work here one night a week, and there’s usually quite a crowd there in the evenings. We serve Marianne’s ice cream here (hence my familiarity with the flavors), and we’re very generous with that ice cream. I’ll bet that you haven’t seen the likes of our “single” scoops at any other ice cream places.
Mudslide: An eight-scoop $15 mountain of ice cream available at the Fountain. If you/your group can finish it, you get your picture taken with a cute mini Polaroid camera and put up on the bulletin board. This week, I’m going to try to eat an entire Mudslide myself. One of my fellow staffers said he would pay for it if I could finish it in less than half an hour. Stay tuned.
Fireside: The Fireside room is one of the meeting rooms below the Dining Hall. We summer staffers use it often for movie nights.
Pizza My Heart: At how many pizza places can you get a T-shirt with your (gigantic) slice of pizza? Pizza My Heart, of course! There are more than 40 locations in the San Jose area, and one of them even has a touch-screen soda fountain.
Pac Av: Pacific Avenue, the “main street” of Santa Cruz. Lots of shopping, lots of homeless people, lots of interesting sights.
Sketch: Among the people I hang out with the most, the word “sketch” reminds them of me because I say it so much. The funny thing is, I never said it before coming here.
It wasn’t just the last day of classes. Today was the end of the school year … the end of my undergraduate career … the end of being a Taylor student.
My 15 seconds on stage passed in a blur, as did the last 15 days. An exhausting blur of going, going, going. It needed to end, and, in a way, I’m glad it did. The lifestyle I adopted toward homework long ago and took to an extreme this semester had become an unsustainable one.
A few months ago, if someone had told me that I would be back in Indiana for the fall, I would’ve groaned inwardly. I wanted the West and the mountains and change and new adventures. Leaving Indiana was right up there with finishing school.
Now, knowing that I’m going back is what’s keeping my eyes (mostly) dry.
Some other time, I’ll tell you the story of my Adventures in Odyssey Club. I’ll tell you how it became more than just a club. I’ll tell you how I came to love them and how special they are to me. But until then, I’ll just say that there are people here that I don’t want to leave behind. I don’t want to say goodbye without knowing when I’ll see them again.
My goal this summer is to recover.
I don’t just mean “recover” in the sense of recuperating after a stressful year. Rather, I’m talking about rediscovering what has been lost … and restoring what has been broken. Here are a few of them:
Relationships (with God and with other people — especially my family)
Faulty heart attitudes and actions
The real me who is real with others
I don’t know exactly what this will look like, but I know that I need to pursue change and growth and healing, and that those things won’t happen if the only goals I make are external ones, like “read X amount of books,” or even “blog once a week.”
One year ago, I was basically a media communication freshman. Am I really going to graduate in just over 100 days?
24 hours ago, I returned to Indiana from movieland in Park City, Utah. The Sundance Film Festival was a memorable experience (albeit one not sustainable over a much longer period of time), and imbued my fast-approaching graduation with more bittersweetness.
On a side note, expect this blog to morph into Sundance Showcase for a week or more. I’m required to write four reflection papers — one on the experience itself, and three on specific films — and you can bet that they’ll be making their way to this blog in some shape or form, now that I’m no longer writing for the Taylor Sundance blog.
Back to today. I think I’m going to like my Mondays. With Senior Capstone and Preparation and Strategy for Christian World Mission, the possibilities of the future will never be far from my mind. This final semester will be consumed with my senior portfolio, so I’m glad to have one non-media class … and not just to avoid media comm overload, but also to investigate the world of evangelical missions, and my potential place within it.
Not that I’m not excited about my remaining media classes. I’m looking forward to them, and to my afternoon-heavy schedule, and to the very real possibility of a snow day tomorrow.
In Chicago, they’re saying this might be the biggest storm in 40 years. I hope that’s true here, too.
Writing: A year ago, I didn’t know there was such a thing as AP style. Now, I have some newspaper copy editing experience and an on-campus job writing for the school paper.
Media Communication: Senioritis has received a counterattack in the form of a new major. Now I know my f-stops from my shutter speeds and mic pick-up patterns and p tags, and I can’t watch a movie or listen to an Adventures in Odyssey episode the same way anymore. Of all these new languages I’m starting to speak, I’m most excited about media production: I love audio and video editing.
Family: We are a four-person family again. My grandma, who had been living with us since 2006, passed away in September. If my parents weren’t empty-nesters at the beginning of the semester, when my sister headed to SoCal for college, they certainly are now.
Running: Year 2 of running-for-real. I ran the Indy Mini, the largest half-marathon event in the country (and, incidentally, I’ll be running it again this year).
Speaking Up: I’m statistically more likely to speak up in class now than I used to be, whether answering a question or asking one. Just don’t expect long discourses or an excessive amount of volunteered information. I pray out loud more too. Sporadically and only in groups of two, but, hey, it’s a start.
Missions: I decided to do a YWAM DTS after I graduate. And I wouldn’t be surprised if missions plays a bigger role than that in my future.
Reading: I read several books that I’ve been meaning to read for awhile, in addition to some that weren’t on my radar before this year. Here are a few of the highlights: The Lord of the Rings trilogy, Mere Christianity, The Hunger Games trilogy, Les Misérables (okay, technically I read most of Les Mis in 2009 … but I finished it in ’10).
Food: For this extremely picky eater, 2010 has also been a landmark year of trying (and figuratively embracing) new foods. Definitely foods that I should’ve tried ages ago, but better late than never.
Blogging: I started blogging regularly. Okay, maybe semi-regularly. But that’s still a lot better than bi-annually.
After graduating from college, she went to China and spent a year there teaching English. It had nothing to do with her major, but she still went, and it was an incredibly rewarding – and growing – experience.
As I read her story in an alumni newsletter today, I felt something that I hadn’t felt in a month or two, since talking with several YWAMers about their DTS experiences.
I felt excitement, a yearning for adventure.
I love to dream. I love the possibility of new, exciting adventures in untested waters. New cultures, new languages, new travels that are all my own. The prospect of finally finding myself and becoming the person I want to be.
I’m restless here at home and, to an extent, at school. Life in my small town continues on at the same pace as before I left. Not much has changed, except that I now know fewer people here.
I don’t know what I want to do with my life, not really. Oh, I have interests, but how many of them are really mine? How many of them are just my latching onto other people’s visions and thinking – hoping – they are mine too? Would I still be drawn to this or that country after the novelty wore off? Will my media interests fade, like history, like journalism, like fill-in-the-blank, on further exposure? What about missions?
The more “different” the opportunity, the more likely I am to dive into it, hoping for it to change me, to teach me discipline and point me in the direction I should go. But the changes I seek tend not to follow me home. It’s something I’ve experienced time and time again, but I’m still restless, chasing dreams as if they’re the gateway, the only gateway, to a happily-ever-after.
But life isn’t a fairytale. Sure, there are such things as life-changing experiences – hopefully my DTS will fall into that category – but usually, it’s the choices of everyday life that reveal one’s true character. My travels have left me with beautiful memories and a strong wanderlust, but they haven’t been the be-all and end-all that romantic me still hopes for.
And meanwhile, as I dream, real life continues on, latent with a different kind of possibility.
I’m still, it seems, waiting for tomorrow’s adventure to make me the person I want to be.
At around 2 this morning, I started cleaning our apartment kitchen. It took three hours. I may not touch the dishes for days — or even weeks — on end, but when I do, well, watch out bread-crumbs-hiding-in-obscure-places.
This all-or-nothing mindset permeates (too) many areas of my life. The further I get into this semester, the harder it is to find the motivation to do my work. And when that motivation is absent, the “nothing” side often wins.
Now if this were just a homework-related issue, you’d call it procrastination or senioritis. But unfortunately, it has infected my spiritual life too.
In my mind, the ideal devotion time is my sitting in a quiet place with a Bible, a Chuck Swindoll Bible commentary, and one or two other books stacked up next to me. I read portions from all of them. I have an amazing prayer time. I spend at least an hour with God.
Those kinds of quiet times are few and far between, and there hasn’t usually been a middle ground. Even my last resort of breezing-through-a-chapter-when-I-can-barely-keep-my-eyes-open-at-night has fallen by the wayside.
On the rare occasions when I have had my ideal devo time (or pretty close to it), there’s a sense of satisfaction and joy … and foreboding. Will I spend this time with God the next day, or will I fall again? And after each fall, each mismanaged day, each me-centered decision, my motivation slips and I’m much more prone to “nothing.”
I don’t want that. I don’t want to have one rockin’ devo time every two or three weeks but virtually nothing the rest of the time.
Just because I can’t always be “all” doesn’t mean my only other option is “nothing.”
That’s what I tell myself when school feels irrelevant, or life seems dull and unchanging, or I seem dull and unchanging.
In high school, I wanted to go far away to college to gain independence and maturity, to finally start the rest of my life.
In varying degrees, I had the same expectations when I transferred to the Upland campus, when I interned at Focus on the Family, and each time I changed my major. Now, YWAM is that grand, life-changing future that’s surely better than the monotonies and the stresses and the insecurities of the present.
But I don’t want to pin all my hopes and dreams on any one future experience, be it an internship, a spring break trip, or even a five-month DTS. I’m very much looking forward to these things, it’s true, but I don’t want to just slide my way through the weeks and months in between, rushing through them as fast as I can to reach the next high that much sooner.
My DTS could be more than a year away. That’s 5% of my life. That’s significant. That’s too much time to just sit out.
So much can happen in these months, so many opportunities, if I widen my vision a little and expect God to do big things.
I’m notorious for starting my end-of-semester countdown early, and for Excel-ing my next-semester schedule months in advance.
But life isn’t about just getting to the next thing.
It’s not about skipping past all the parts that seem boring or hard (a la Joey and his life clock :)). I don’t have to wait until college is over to start my adventure with God; He can work just as well in small-town Indiana as He can overseas. “Familiar” doesn’t have to equal “boring.”
Don’t just dream about the future. Live in the present.
This is my “short list” of encouraging, inspiring Christian songs. Some of them fall clearly in the “worship music” bracket; others are more Christian contemporary or something else. They may go about it in different ways, but they all bring me to a more worshipful mindset, and remind me of my need for God.
City on our Knees (Tobymac) – “If you gotta start somewhere why not here? If you gotta start sometime why not now? If we gotta start somewhere I say here. If we gotta start sometime I say now. Through the fog there is hope in the distance, from cathedrals to third world missions. Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave.”
Healing Begins (Tenth Avenue North) – “There’s freedom waiting in the sound, when you let your walls fall to the ground … This is where the healing begins. This is where the healing starts. When you come to where you’re broken within, the light meets the dark.”
Get Back Up (Tobymac) – “There’s always scars when you fall that far. … You may be knocked down, but not out forever.”
I Will Go (Starfield) – “Let this life be used for change. I wanna live for You, go where you lead me, I wanna follow you.”
Sound of Melodies (Leeland) – “Can you hear the sound of melodies, oh, the sound of melodies, rising up to You, rising up to You, God.”
Made to Love (Tobymac) – “Anything, I would give up for You. Everything, I’d give it all away.”
As it is in Heaven (Matt Maher) – “Come and let Your glory fall. … I will sing, sing a new song to the Lord. … Every eye proclaim the mercy of Your name on earth as it is in heaven.”
Beautiful Scars (Steven Curtis Chapman) – “Turning the marks of our pain into beautiful scars.”
My Will (dc Talk) – “You are my shelter, all the strength that I need.”
Untitled Hymn (Come to Jesus) (Chris Rice) – “Weak and wounded sinner, lost and left to die. O, raise your head, for love is passing by. Come to Jesus … Come to Jesus … Come to Jesus and live!”
Be Thou My Vision (Twila Paris) – “Thou mine Inheritance, now and always: Thou and Thou only, first in my heart. High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.”
Sometimes by Step (Rich Mullins) – “And on this road to righteousness, sometimes the climb can be so steep. I may falter in my steps, but never beyond Your reach.”
Great Expectations (Steven Curtis Chapman) – “Lord, I come with great expectations!”
Next 5 Minutes (Steven Curtis Chapman) – “I’m living the next 5 minutes like these are my last 5 minutes.”
I Thank You Lord (Rebecca St. James) – “I thank you Father for the gift of your Son. I thank You Jesus for the things you have done. I thank you Spirit for the peace that is here in my heart.”
Be Still (Newsboys) – “We’ve been running without a direction. We’re afraid to get there late. What we need is strength just to kneel down and wait.”
Consuming Fire (Hillsong United) – “Lord have your way with us.”
When You Called My Name (Newsboys) – “I slip into the night, then stumble towards the light. Wake up and try again. When you called my name, I didn’t know how far the calling went.”