Pandora is filling my borrowed room with lovely sounds akin to Pachelbel’s Canon, and I am restarting my blog with hope that it will continue even when the feelings aren’t there. Because writing is one of the things that, in the past, has helped me recover who I am, and I have confidence that it can do it again.
My church began its annual missions focus this week, with a sermon on the Great Commission from a woman only two years older than me. I walked in numb and flat, as I have for a while now, but I left with a few flickers of inspiration that stayed with me into my car and into the quiet. Not to knock on my neighbor’s door or deliver hope to strangers, as you might expect, but to knock on the doors of my own heart and find out what’s inside … to deliver hope to my own cracked and broken pieces.
I want to listen to myself and accept the reality of where I’m at right now. This roller coaster is nothing to feel afraid of, ashamed of, or less-than because of. It’s here, and I’m on it, and it’s okay. Normal, even. I will settle in and appreciate this view and that exhilaration, and when my stomach drops and the g-forces throw my tears back at me and I can barely see through the squinting, it won’t be a nasty surprise but an accepted — if not welcome — part of the ride. We’re all on different roller coasters at different times, and even the most extreme and, conversely, the most slow-moving ones don’t last forever. This too shall pass, but in the meantime …
… Who am I? What makes me come alive? What do I need?
I asked myself these and other questions from the wicker chair in the sweltering shade, while the dogs looked on.
This is what I want:
- A safe community that brings life
- Energy and motivation to write, explore, breathe, and enjoy the simple things of life
- To find purpose, passion, hope, and truth and carry them with me in my being and doing
- A strong foundation spiritually, emotionally, relationally
- New opportunities and experiences for the stretching, invigorating, experimenting, and the living of life to the fullest
- To truly see the people and the world in which I live — to laugh and cry and feel and taste — rather than going through the motions
- To always be honest and true to myself
- To find life and refreshment in discipline
- To be good, but not safe
- To have the courage to move when the place I’m in no longer brings life, but also to recognize that my cocktail of purpose, passion, hope, and truth can be found anywhere.
- To love well
- To value quality over quantity
- To press on with or without the feelings
- To be released from feeling like I have to be there for everyone all the time
- To be okay with journey and process without outcome or destination
- To have a heart and mind always open to learning