What Do I Want?

English roseI want to wander along the side of the highway between my home and the city, a route I’ve driven thousands of times, with my camera in hand. Slowly, leisurely, I want to capture the splendor of our short-lived spring, to stand and breathe and gaze rather than glance from my car window as one image dissolves into the next.

I want to really listen to my new music, to read the lyrics, to be steeped in all its beauty. I don’t want it to just be background noise as I hurtle along, rushing from doing the things I don’t really want to do to the things others expect me to do.

I want to read and write and cook and spend time with people and God with freedom, not pressure. Pressure to perform, pressure to turn everything into tasks to be completed, pressure to be everyone’s buoy – including my own.

I want to do what I’m passionate about and to live each day to the fullest. Because each day matters. But it’s easy to lose the joy in the rush or to lose myself in the wrong kind of rest … to go too fast or to stop altogether. I’ve realized that I don’t give myself time to mentally and emotionally and spiritually breathe between all the doings. When that happens, it’s easy to lose sight of why the important things really are important.

It’s not all about the doing.

There’s a fine line between being a people-pleaser and doing out of obligation, and stepping out of one’s comfort zone and doing out of love. Sometimes it’s hard to tell which side of the line I’m walking on.

What do I want? I want to chase my passions rather than be dragged along by them. I want to breathe in Life in the quiet so I can breathe out Life in the noise.

What do you want?

Confessions of a Blogger

I want this blog to be perfect.

I want the words to be strong, poignant, inspiring. I want the various writings to complement each other, to fit into the same genre, to speak the same language. I want the furnishings to be aesthetically pleasing, color-coordinated, well organized.

Sometimes I look back at my archives, at blogs describing internships and camp experiences for a narrow audience of friends and family, and I wonder if I should start over. Start a new blog that is more streamlined, cohesive, attractive.

Maybe this would bring more readers, I think, the Attention-Seeker vying with the Perfectionist in me.

That’s not a good reason.

If I tried to make this blog perfect, if my focus was on having the best-manicured plot of online real estate, it would turn into something artificial and unrelatable. I would write less, and even the writings that did manage to get past my critical internal editor would be crippled by the pressure to fit into a certain mold.

It’s true that the reason why I blog has changed over the years. The place where I would update friends and family on an internship of mine four years ago has become the place where I write what is on my heart, what I am learning, what I am living.

This blog has days-in-the-life and devotionals, recountings and reflections, lists and lamentations. And you know what? That’s okay. This is my life, these are my “bends in the road.” Some people will be able to relate to my journey, while others will not.

It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t always fit within the same well-defined theme, but isn’t that how all journeys – and lives – are?